Pat and Pam Quinn shared with us their experiences and insights regarding strategies for working through the ups and downs of married life. Their message focused on how to go about working through tough times when: 1. Our husband is hurting. 2. We are hurting. 3. We both are hurting.
When HE is hurting:
1. Realize you can't solve the problem for him.
2. When he's sitting there watching tv, surfing the Internet and looking like he's doing nothing, realize he actually is using that time to work through his problem.
3. You telling friends and family about his problem, doesn't help him solve the problem and actually makes him hurt and feel emasculated.
What SHE can do while he is hurting:
1. Listen.
2. Give him time to work on things.
3. Be supportive.
4. Show confidence in him that you know he can work the problem out.
When SHE is hurting:
1. Women need to process things by talking through the problem.
2. Women need to be validated.
3. Women need to know that we are normal and we are not alone.
What HE can do while she is hurting:
1. Don't try to solve her problem but, instead, listen to her.
2. Realize men are bad at needs identification (knowing what they can do to help) but do want to be helpful and supportive. Tell them what they can do to help you (dishes, bedtime, laundry) while you work through the problem.
When you BOTH are hurting:
1. Practice fair fighting rules. Examples:
- Realize just because mom did things this way, doesn't mean it's the right/only way to do things.
- Make "I" statements rather than "You" statements.
- Recognize you and your spouse may have different fighting styles.
- Don't use words like "never" and "always".
- Do explain how you are feeling in response to what they are saying.
- Remember, in those moments, that you still love your spouse.
2. Carve out times to talk (both in good times and in bad).
3. Remember the purpose of discussion is not to win, but to solve the problem.
4. If you reach a point when you need to talk to someone about your marriage, be very careful who you choose because that person could ultimately influence the outcome of your marriage.
Our discussion topic for the Nov. 15th mtg. will be "Resourcefulness: Saving". We hope to see you there!
